Why I hate my cat.

Here are 9 of the many reasons why my cat Freddo is not my favourite companion in the world.

  1. She insists on being allowed into my room at night — but once she is in, she rips up paper and leaves it all over the floor until I let her out again.
  2. I once woke up to find her engaged in a genuine attempt to eat me.  I was not dead or dying at the time, but she was happily chewing on my hand.

  3. She has made repeated attempts to sleep on my head at night.  I can only assume that her ultimate goal was my death by asphyxiation.

  4. When denied permission to sleep on my face, she will instead sleep on my feet and attack them when they move.  I have almost had a toe completely severed on more than one occasion.

  5. She watches me.  A lot.  She watches me in that completely unnerving way that cats do and I am 100% certain that she is wishing for, if not plotting my demise.

  6. Her eyes are the prettiest mixture of greens but she only ever uses them to observe me with intelligent disdain.  Or to straight up glare at me with open, unadulterated hatred.

  7. She somehow keeps her white patches whiter than I can keep my own laundry — and she has never even had a bath.  She’s gloating over this, I know she is.

  8. She lures you over to her by looking cute.  She purrs and entices you into petting her, then grabs your hand with her claws and bites you without any warning.  I fall for it every time.  Every single time.  For seven years.

  9. She suckles on my fluffy blankets and I feel so weird about it.

 

 

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